My Depression Is Like..

We're at a party. Everybody's vibing, smoking, drinking, music and chatter, good times, talking about our futures and our pasts, laughing at memories while we make new ones, enjoying life while it's short.

The next morning comes. The house is a mess, everyone is gone. My feet are bare. The floor is cold. I can't find my socks. I'm alone. Everyone has separated. The crowd has left and I am by myself, just me and my thoughts..

That feeling is the way I feel everyday.

What does long term depression look like for me? It's a roller coaster of ups and downs with a steady numbness in between, looking at life with such a skeptical perspective that there is there is little joy, not allowing people or things to make me feel good because I'm afraid of the emotional drop, when the great feelings disappear leaving my to the constantly underlying bitter coldness of feeling eternally alone, isolated.

Depression is not an emotion. Depression is a state of mind. If something in the world has enough driving force and just the right approach, it has the potential to knock anybody clean off their feet so far that it becomes easy to think about death and fantasize about suicide.

I wonder whether we defeat depression, while we feel better and move forward, or once you become depressed, is it something that always stays with you?

Suicidal thoughts have been my sense of hope directed towards feeling that I want to escape from life. I feel that I have felt heartache and pain to the maximum threshold for too long, and the further I go, the more suffering continues. I find myself feeling that despite great effort to pursue true happiness, my life will only show more pain, and deeper woes. Every time I fall, it is further downward I travel.

Everyday of pursuing goals, and doing the best I can is simply a front that I put up to show others that I am okay. I feel that if I pretend that all is okay, and continue to show my will to strive forward in life, and display positivity, it will keep me distracted from my innermost desire to give up. Everyday, I convince myself that life is worth living. I have to dangle the carrot in front of myself every single day.

I call it a "trigger effect" when something happens and as a result, suicidal thoughts come forward. Sometimes the residual feelings from a dream make me feel suicidal thoughts. These trigger effects are a reminder that my depression is always lurking around my mind even though, at times I feel fine.

I do my best to keep myself up. When I am having a difficult time, I do a lot of the things I wrote down in my list 25 Things To Do When You Have A Bad Day.

I really am trying to feel better and be better, and when I feel that things are too much to handle, I do reach out. I am dealing with my own depression the best way I know how. I make it clear that I need help, and I also do my best to make it clear that my hand is out for those in need as well.