Ego Death

Liberating would be the single word I would use to describe what it was like to experience ego death. Letting go of everything about who I was, burying that character and moving on to be a new and better person has felt incredible.

Ego Death is a term mostly talked about in the holistic and spiritual scene. It is the complete loss of your subjective self, your ego, your conscious mind, your character. When you let go of yourself and your ego, surrendering to the universe, looking inward and outward wholly and subjectively, embracing a sense of oneness and tranquility, you will have experienced ego death.

I am not a spirit guide, or a guru or a yogini. I am a regular person who has gone through significant experiences and as I learn many new things while progressing on my journey in this life, I feel a sense of fulfillment by sharing my experiences with the world.

If you are wondering who you are, you might need to experience ego death. Who you are is at your core, and you'll find yourself when you shed the character of whom you have been portraying.

There are different ways one can experience ego death, but in most cases you must have already have been practicing mindfulness, and looking within yourself using exercises like meditation, breathwork, and journaling. Asking yourself over and over again, who you truly are inside, who you want to be, and what you truly desire to have in this life, the answers may actually come to you quickly.

While many things are constantly changing through the revolving doors of our lives, one thing will always remain the same; you will always be who you are inside.

I believe the repression of my identity began at an early age. Most of my childhood, I can remember not feeling clearly about who I genuinely was or who I wanted to be. I never fit in, and the times I did fit in, I was faking my way through it. I felt disconnected.

My whole life, I have been a very vivid dreamer. I have had dreams that effected the entire course of my life. Being connected with my dreams was the first step for me in my spiritual journey. In my teen years, I had many interactions with paranormal phenomenon. I also experienced several spiritual epiphanies through the use of psychedelics. Although, it wasn't until I was around 19 years old when I began to practice meditation, and from that point on, I would continue practicing.

When I was 21, I watched my eight month old daughter die. She had a disease that lead to her body being unable to support itself, and at the final moments, nothing more could be done. She was gone. I watched as the doctors unplugged the machines one by one, I stood there and watched. When she took her last breath, was when I took mine.

For some reason, after that time, I actually thought I would be able to continue the charade of who I was. In reality, I was more lost than ever. Little did I know, I was headed down a long dark, spiraling road of anger, depression, and self-destruction, continuing with my patterns of toxic relationships, sex addiction, and alcohol abuse. I was broken and depleted, a shell of a person.

Miserable and alone, I tried ending it all. Whatever was left of that character was certainly dead after that incident. Although I survived, a substantial amount of me was gone, and for another short while, I would continue the charade.

After getting over the initial trauma of the suicide attempt, I was then able to continue meditating and looking within. I knew that I needed to find a deeper sense of fulfillment in my life. I needed to know what it was I wanted, I needed to know who I am.

I had this meditation; I was sitting, breathing with my eyes closed. In my third eye's vision, I can see that I am sitting with a group people. We are collected in a room, the steel chairs are organized to form a circle and sitting in them are all different versions of me. I remember how it felt strange, looking around the room at all of the multidimensional variations of myself, but there was two versions that stood out to me the most. One was very strong, with big muscles and a kind, warmhearted smile. The other was very feminine and beautiful with a sense of higher elegance, grace, and seduction. I felt a glimmer of hope shining in their soulful eyes.

I felt so accepted in that moment, like I finally have the capacity to accept myself which is something I had always struggled with. My eyes became open to the possibilities of who I can become. I became aware of how my actions, and my choosing can dictate the outcome of who I am, and it is in my control. It is my choice. I am not what others make me to be, I can be who decide to be. Knowing this, I felt a sense of fulfillment greater than anything I had ever felt.

At a point of surrender, I am brought to my knees, the character of who I was slowly being scratched away, revealing my truest self. I realized my inner light had been imprisoned for years. For the sake of my mental health, I had no capacity to continue any sense of the masquerading I had once known to be my normal reality, and finally, at the age of 23, I came to terms with my true self.

I get to be passionate about who I am today because I know for a fact, I would rather die than to go back to pretending I am someone who I am not. I am far more aware and in control of myself. My interactions and engagement with the world has shifted in a much more positive light. I am no longer bitter and angry.

When I let go of my past self, I let go a great deal of the pain he had been carrying. It was a relief. Many people blame me for his death. They thought that it was something I was doing to intentionally hurt them or I was on a wrong path. In their minds, I was trying to escape something by experiencing ego death, but what they didn't know was that I was braving ego death as a result of repressing my true identity for years, since early childhood, and then underwent a long and horrific series of tragic events.

The person that those people are familiar with, is no longer with us. I exist in his likeness, a different person. Many people left me, disowned and rejected, angry that the person they grieved is no longer here today. I grieved him too. I lost someone just the same as everyone else who knew him, and I knew him more than anybody. I was hurting too.

When I shed away the character I could no longer continue playing, I also shed away the people who were not true, the so-called friends and family who were not loyal. It hurt immensely but my slate was clean. It made ego death feel almost as real as actual death because I no longer interact with most of the people I used to in my previous life, and even when I do, it's just not the same. Admittedly, I still sometimes get stuck on that, feeling hurt and grieving my past, but I am working towards healing.

I am happy for the life I have today. Those that have continued knowing me throughout my journey would describe me as a much different person than I used to be, comfortable and at peace. My light can shine brighter than ever before without the drapery of desire for shallow acceptance hanging over me. I am free to pursue all my dreams because I am aware of all that I am.