This Isolation is Killing Me..

Honestly, I cannot take it anymore. I am so alone. I have been alone day in and day out for a very long time now. Go ahead and look at every post on my Instagram. Notice what they all have in common? I am alone in every single one of them! Check my Facebook. I am alone in every photo.

I can't help it. I have trust issues. I don't trust anybody. I have been hurt too many times by people who were close to me and should never have treated me the way they have. I do not deserve to feel this way but because of the severity of my trust issues, I refuse to allow anybody into my life. I am as anti-dependent as they come.

My inbox is always empty. I never receive phone calls or text messages. I could seriously not check my phone for a week and I would have no messages. The people I consider to be friends will leave me unread for weeks. I am always the first person to reach out to someone.

I feel like every door from everybody I have ever known has been shut in my face. This isolation is killing me. I can't figure out why I am so alone. I can't figure out if it's me or if it's everybody else.

Is it because I am transgender? My social life was dwindling before transitioning but yeah, as I have progressed in my transition, my social life has dramatically decreased, but also, most of the "awkward stages" of my transition happened during the Covid-19 shutdown period which meant that pretty much nobody was having a social life, but even as things have began opening, my social life has still been just me by myself all the time.

Apparently, I can't be who I am. I have to conform to the opinions of others; water down who I am so they can feel safe and comfortable, which just makes me feel worse.

People are definitely more likely to dismiss me or push me away simply because I am transgender, and I feel it. It hurts so much. I am ignored and overlooked. I fit in nowhere. I don't belong in the electrician community. I don't belong in the podcast community. I don't belong in the YouTube community. I don't belong in the car scene or the gaming community.

The industries, and communities that I work in and I am passionate about, I don't have a place in them, I don't belong. I am an outcast by all regards. I have no comfort in feeling that I am accepted anywhere.

I feel like a rejected lost cause, and it would make no difference whether I am alive or dead because it is vastly apparent to me that my existence here doesn't mean anything to anybody, and right now, this is the way I truly feel.

Like what am I even here for anyway? Despite my greatest intentions, it seems that I continually pave a path towards my own despair. No matter how much genuine care I have for others, I will be pushed away.

I give this world my heart, full of love and kindness, and in return I receive the cold harsh shadow casted by world's back.