I Tried To End My Own Life

Sometimes, I feel like my mind has a motive beyond what I can consciously recognize, and I find myself acting upon these motives without understanding the greater picture my mind is attempting to create. I never would have imagined my mind entering a state of such disparity, that it would lead me to the events that resulted in attempted suicide.

I researched over and over, day after day, and it gave me a sense of joy to read about all the ways I could do it, and a sense of hope that I could have a way out. I liked to watch shows like "1000 Ways To Die" or "72 Dangerous Animals". It genuinely pleased me to know that there are things out there in nature or whatever, that could do the deed. It was a sad way of entertaining myself really.

In my research, a lot of the ways to do it are gory or even worse, extremely painful, or even way worse than that, you could end up not dying and be totally messed up for the rest of your life, but things continued to go downhill for me and I was falling deeper and deeper. I cared so little for the world around me. I wanted out of this human-prison-mind-cage so bad. I thought it would be best to have an "accident", and intended on a drug/alcohol overdose. It went from suicide being just an idea, to now being more of a plan. I was slowly becoming a higher risk to myself.

The days leading up to my suicide, I partied hard. My behavior was reckless and wild because I felt I had nothing to lose. Like, why would anything matter if you're going to be dead in a couple of days anyway? I was giving my stuff away. I wasn't going to need anything where I was going. I felt free. Nothing was important. Nothing mattered. This world was going to be a thing of the past for me and I was so ready to turn my back and walk away. I no longer have the weight of the world on my shoulders if I leave it behind.

• Note: That is a very dangerous mindset to be in. Like, just saying. If you see these kind of red flags in friend, where they're giving out sentimental belongings, or doing "bucket list" things, or acting recklessly and without a care, definitely try to have some kind of intervention. I think these behaviors are signs of deep depression, and that they might even be planning to hurt themselves. You have to look closely because these behaviors will be displayed in a happy positive fashion. You will not catch these flags unless you look beyond the surface.

I went for it once the time was right. I was alone, and I hit everything with all I had. To my surprise, my alcohol concoction took effects immediately. I then suffered through hours of tremendous pain. I went through intense cold sweats, involuntary shaking, vigorous heart beat along with heart rhythm irregularities, and extreme pain from my sides. Soaked completely in sweat, I rolled around my floor moaning in pain, waiting for it to all be over. I rolled around until the sun came up. I felt so weak, and short of breath. I'll never forget how hard it was to manage all that pain.

I went through waves during this experience, rolling in and out of reality. During these waves, I did see what was beyond our world. I saw people awaiting my return on the other side. I saw my family there. I remember how they watched me while I lied there staring back like a deer caught in the headlights. The way the walls of the bedroom opened up to bright open colorful fields, and then it all goes back, seeing the return of the sadly textured walls as shadows danced around, my mind seemed to be drifting.

The sounds were indescribable. The voices I heard were so clear, it was like a crowd of people were standing around me. I heard shuffling feet and birds chirping, all sounds and colors stunningly vivid and beautiful. Although this experience in of itself was horrendous, getting to see what I saw was absolutely amazing.

But, I survived. Of course I was angry I had failed to kill myself (at the time). I wasn't happy to be alive. It's not what I wanted. Especially since I was so close! But my failure landed me in the hospital, which put me in therapy, and I needed that a long time before this had even happened. Once I began down the road towards unravelling my mind to discover what really brought me to do this, I began to learn more about myself than ever.

The scariest part of it all for me, looking back, was how dangerous I became to myself. Like, it's scary to know there was a part of me that without a doubt wanted me dead. That's scary! I can't trust myself with my own life.

It hurt. Attempting suicide was a big wound to heal. I was upset with myself for hurting my self. Like, how could I do that to me? It's not easy for me to talk about. Not only is it difficult to talk about, people typically don't want to hear about it either. Aside from embarrassment, I've felt guilt and shame for what I did. With no ability to change the past, I can only learn from it, and as horrific as it was, I gained so much value from that experience in the time after.

How much positivity could possibly come from trying to kill yourself? There's nothing positive about trying to kill yourself. For me, the positivity came through the following events in the aftermath while in therapy. If you're at a point where you have an overwhelming urge to take your own life, you should put those flags out there. Let somebody know, and get help. It's hard to ask for help, even though it's always around you.

Why not skip the part where you almost die and go straight therapy? At the point in time that I was attempting suicide, I was pretty well convinced there's no amount of therapy that's going to rescue me. I was wrong. I felt like if I tell a therapist I'm going to hurt myself, I'm going to be put in some cold room with no shoes or something or put on some list of crazy people. I was wrong about that too. At the time I wanted to die, I felt like I had the right to die if I so choose and I didn't want to have a therapist try to talk me out of what I wanted. I definitely recommend going straight to therapy though. A therapist will never make you feel any worse than you already do.

What was the greatest thing for you that came out of this? For me, the determination for success and fulfillment has been so far driven since this happened. I really came back to reality and said I'm going to live my life the way I choose. I really fell into myself, completely broke down, I mean broken to less than pieces. There was nothing left of me, so I had to completely rebuild my world, including having to remap my brain's thought processes. I take charge of myself and my life more so than I ever would have before. As long as I'm here, I'm living life my way. I value myself more than I ever did before. Everybody should value themselves. For a long time I didn't value myself. I never saw how much I truly neglected myself until it was just about too late! For me, there are so many lessons to be learned from all this, but I believe the major theme was that I needed to find myself and find fulfillment within myself. If you love yourself, you won't want to hurt yourself. To be put on the path towards self discovery has been wonderful and I love it.

Do you still have suicidal thoughts? Yesss, I still have suicidal thoughts from time to time. Nothing serious, like they're never thoughts I would act upon. There is always going to be apart of me I can't trust not to hurt myself. I can't erase that. That's mainly where my fear lies though, in the mystery of being in the wrong state of mind, while properly enabled, what I'd might I possibly do to myself. I dislike that level of fear. I feel like I have to take extra steps to stay safe from myself. I don't believe suicidal thoughts will go away forever. I even had to stay away from alcohol for awhile. I believe under the wrong circumstances, I could be pushed into the abyss. When it comes to my life however, I play my cards very well in order to avoid anything like that ever happening.

If you could go back in time and stop yourself from attempting suicide, would you?

I will go on record to say yes, I would go back. I'm proud of my journey but I've been on a tough road even before attempting suicide, so I really didn't do myself any favors. I was not proud of myself for them amount of harm I had afflicted to my body. I felt a struggle keeping my thoughts, and to this day, my brain has to reroute synapses in order to process thoughts, feelings and information, and it isn't easy. It's like taking 100 steps where before, I only needed to take 1, but with no time traveling capabilities, all I can do is make the best out of my new-thinking-brain and continue to learn and heal.

It was a damaging thing to do to myself and my family. I felt so horrible going into the experience, and felt so much worse coming out of it. I can honestly say without a doubt, suicide is not worth it. At a certain point, I had to learn to forgive myself. I have moved on, and even though I still struggle with depression, I designed and created something within my mind to keep myself safe. It is a railing that I stand above, and beyond that railing is a deep pit. Inside the pit, a dark twisting storm with pitch black fog, bright red lighting arcs, and violent thunder rolls. That storm is everything that is dark within me. In my mind, I have stood above that storm. Looking down, it was intimidating to see it and feel it's energy, but I am never scared because between me and the storm was a bright yellow hand rail. It looks like a standard industrial hand rail bolted to a concrete floor, and it's placed between the platform on which I stand and the pit so that I am kept safe.

It is difficult to explain the experiences and visions that occur within my mind. It's something that is easier to show, but explanation is the only tool I have right now. When we look at a hurricane on a map, and we see the eye of the storm and the spinning animations, some might call it a monster. That is exactly what this storm is, a monster. It is a twirling howling storm, but when I look closely inside, the violent wind screaming up the steep wall of the pit trying to reach me where I stand, I can feel the betrayal, anger, heartache, madness, the overwhelming amount of dark feelings bestowed upon one person to deal with all at once, enough to make me go insane. We do not bring madness upon ourselves, we fall into the madness that has already been created within us. This storm is the deepest depths of the despair in my mind.

When I stand above the storm and look down, I feel in control. I know the pain exists, but I am not subdued by it because I put it somewhere secure so that I can be safe. The monster isn't nearly as intimidating once it is put in a cage, and you understand what it is. It is crazy that there was a time where I stood in the eye of this storm, and I survived. Not only am I a survivor but when I stand at that railing and I see my foe down there stuck in that pit, never to be released again, I am victorious.

I was proud to have created a space in my mind where all of the darkness has been placed in a pit, and barrier has been put up for my safety. I did all of that for me, so that I can feel safe and I'm happy for it. It felt good to care of myself. It took me too long to figure out how truly important it is to take care of yourself. I will always advise anybody who is struggling to look into themselves, see who they are, and take care of that person. You will feel greatly rewarded for it.