Becoming An Electrician Changed My Life

I was always talking about how I was going to do it. I was going to get my credentials and apply for the apprenticeship program. I was also running around without any plans either, a lost wandering soul looking for a purpose, seeking fulfillment, always saying how I was going to do this or that.

It felt like the electrical career fell on me, and of course I wanted it too.

When my daughter passed away, I moved back with my parents in Eugene Oregon. I quit my job, packed my stuff and moved away from Portland. I had to get out of that town. I did not have much money, or a job lined up so it came a time when I had to pick myself up and find a job while still trying to even find a will to live for grieving my daughter.

After several failed attempts in my job search, my stepdad offered me a part time position in the warehouse for the electrical company he manages. This job began as a part time job, but in short time my responsibilities increased into the job becoming a full-time position as the warehouse parts manager, the towel girl of the shop, if you will.

The work was hard. Right out of the gates, it was extremely hard. I constantly had more things to do than I had time to do it. Running and sending parts out with crews, ordering the warehouse inventory, stocking the warehouse, digging holes for temporary power poles, hand digging trenches for underground wiring, overseeing vehicle fleet maintenance, sifting through pricing sheets, creating pack lists, and tying up whatever other lose ends. It was an incredible amount of work.

I believe this work saved me. It gave people pride in me which I soaked up like a sponge. It gave me something to put my heart into, to take away from all the hurt.

I may not have been in the program yet, but I was on my way, and I was learning a lot about the trade from my position. I was proud. I was showing myself that I can pick up, that even though I had been through so much, perseverance was still an option, and things were looking so far up for me. I felt great!

In June of 2017, I was indentured into the Apprentice Electrician program and promoted from parts manager to a year-one apprentice electrician. In only one year of working in the parts department, I made it into the program.

It was the saddest victory of my lifetime.

I'll explain,

A fellow co-worker and I went out for a few drinks to celebrate my new promotion. At the bar it was all cheers and congratulations, then I went home. I was home alone coming down from all the hype, still drunk.

My thoughts quickly sank from my head to my stomach, and I felt mad. A fire was erupting inside my chest, my vision blurred, my face frozen, I shook with rage.

“What is the point of doing anything good if my daughter cannot be here to celebrate with me?”

It does not matter what I do. Nothing matters if she is not here. The greatest successes achieved, the highest mountains climbed, the most extraordinary acts of perseverance by me meant absolutely nothing to me without my daughter here.

In other terms, the better I did with my life, the worse I felt...

So, I had to ask myself what I am doing it all for, because I obviously am doing a lot. I am highly motivated, ready to show the world that I can fall to extremely low places yet still come out on top.

I realized that I cannot do it all for her. I cannot be so selfless as to dedicate my entire life to her, although I love her so much and that is what I want to do. It is not beneficial for me.

In that drunken angry moment sitting out on the back porch under the June sun, I told myself “I do it for me.” -and those words have stuck with me ever since.

The things that I do in this life, I do it for myself and myself only. I will no longer be an empty shell, filling myself with the void of selflessness, dedicating my own achievements away because I am too insecure to accept my own success.

My life has changed so much for the better since that moment. It was a big step in healing, being able to let her go, and shift my focus towards bettering myself.

The moral of the story, whatever you do in life, goals you accomplish, dreams you chase, do it for yourself. Make yourself number one. Caring for people, helping people, loving people, and supporting people will all come as a biproduct of you taking care of yourself first.

I Love You!

-Lauren Ellis